YES PLEASE, FUCK ME!
Hi, guys!
Happy New Year, if
that’s important to you?
For me? Well, not
really. New Year is just another new day and I’m done with new year new me
bullshit. Now I’m into new day, new me. Or new day, the same old me, or
whatever. The point is … none of that bullshit matters. What really matter is
how I behave, what I do, how I handle myself and turn all of that bullshit into
real action.
2018 been pretty good
to me. I do a lot of things I always wanna do for the longest time, my mental
health been pretty good, my financial situation been good, I was able to help
people, and of course, help myself. I was sooooo happy.
Until the last quarter
of the year when I feel the downfall. I still do lots of stuff but sometimes,
they’re just won’t work. I don’t get as much money as I started the year. I
don’t really see results at everything that I do and that makes me feel so damn
tired, and stressed, and frustrated. I feel unmotivated and lost. I don’t trust
myself again. I feel worthless and I don’t understand why I have to continue
this journey.
I feel weak, and I
hate being weak.
What make me sad is, I
actually do so damn good but then I fail and that failure is the only thing I
saw. I don’t appreciate my effort, my hard work. I don’t see my achievement. I
only see myself being pathetic and hopeless. I turned into that fragile bitch
who need saving.
I still feel this
feeling yesterday because the last couple months I don’t talk about it to
anybody. When I finally open up, through instagram caption and a chit chat
session with a friend, those weights leave my shoulder. I feel okay.
Turns out, talk is the
only thing I need. Eventho that one person say that what I do is simply a cry
for attention. I get mad at first when he said that but when I thought about
that, it’s actually true. I was crying for attention. And that was not a bad
thing. I need that attention, tbh.
I used to have one
person who usually is the first person I go to when I need a grip but then he
stopped listening. He refused to listen to me. He got tired of me being such a
baby. That is how I start to breakdown. Because I think, I have no one else.
I started to question
myself over and over. “Am I not worth it? Am I that bad? Why everybody hate me?
Why all of my friends leave me? I deserve this. I did bad things in the past,
this is my punishment. I deserve this. I can’t be with anybody. I’m just too
hard to be with. I am that toxic in every relationship. I understand why people
hate me because I hate me too,” etc.
I punish myself, I
discourage myself, I hurt my own feeling. I don’t trust my own ability. I feel
dead on the inside and what I do is just breathing, not really knowing why.
That was suck!
And then the new year
is finally about to come. Am I feel blessed and feel better when knowing the
year is finally ended? No. I still feel the same. I still feel so sad I
literally cry for days. I started to blame everything, everyone, and myself. I
hate life, and I hate the whole world.
I still do in the new
year eve. Nothing helps me feel better.
Until I decided to
just live. What can be so wrong. What the biggest risk if I do whatever I wanna
do? Rejected? Hated? Leaved alone? Not a big deal cause I already in there. I
have nothing to lose. So I decided to say whatever I want to say and express my
feelings. I talk to people I’ve been avoided for a while. I try to figure
things out, what the actual problem is? And actually, nothing is wrong. It was
just my brain telling me that I was awful.
Problems figured
themselves. It’s over. Now I have nothing left to worry.
I don’t worry to fall
in love once again, because what the worst possibility from that? Heartbreak?
Then I know not to love too deep and expect too much.
I don’t worry to start
something new because what’s the worst case from that? Fail? Then I better know
how to get up.
I don’t worry to leave
people who hurt me because what can happen? I have nobody left? I already live
alone the whole time.
I don’t worry to
accept the fact that I’m not okay, that I can be broken, that I can be left
alone, that I can fail, and all other bad stuff because you know what? That’s
how life’s going. Life throws shits at us, life fucks us all. It’s just how it
works. I’m totally fine with that. I’m okay with everything.
What is the worst case,
if I may ask once again? Die? I’m okay to be dead. I don’t like life too much
anyway.
I know I’m being
stupid when I expect too much, believe in people too much, and not having the
will to move on while I can. I also hate the fact that I kinda have a ‘post
power syndrome’ and that’s holding me back so I was having hard time to move
forward.
Why I have to say
“Ooo, I was so cool,” too much when I can be cool now? I can even be so much
cooler now. I met a lot of people who inspire me in 2018. Not physically meet,
but you know, inspiring people on the internet. I learn a lot. I changed a lot.
I grew. I’m a better person if I can say. I do more stuff in 2018 and I should
appreciate myself for that because that was so fucking dope!
I started 2019 with
less expectation, less heart, and no fear.
In the end, I know
that life might fuck me all over again, but I’m ready. It feels good, tho. *grin*
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